SEX IN MARRIAGE
By Antonio Baldovinos
I have heard the saddest news and reports about sex in marriage.
So I think as we are writing about Marriage and Family it is important to talk about sex in marriage.
So much of our worldviews about sex comes from secular media; our pornified world and unbiblical sources like friends and family members.
CONFUSED AND SHOCKED
While in a Barnes and Noble bookstore on a Daddy and daughter date last year with my daughter I was shocked to see some of the books on the stands.
While grabbing a hot chocolate and a coffee and leaving, I noticed four full aisles of sensual soft cover books of endless types of Romance novels.
This is what I noticed and which I further researched:
- Many romance novels have the word “Love” in the title.
- There are requirements from publishers that there must be a minimum number of sex scenes allowed and a minimum of crisis points allowed.
- Romance fiction is the largest share of the consumer book market.
- They are full of fantasy where the imagination is invigorated.
- They are unrealistic.
- Sex with full details and beyond.
- They are porn for women. Romance novels can be as addictive as pornography. I would include girl and guy magazines to this.
- In 2012 estimates found that romance novels was the single biggest money making genre, with sales of $1.44 billion a year.
NEED A DRASTIC CHANGE!
We can’t talk about sex without talking about pornography. It is one of the greatest crises of our time.
Pornography is one of the most destructive obsessions of our society, as it dishonors God, degrades and harms women and children, and destroys lives and families. Christians need to acknowledge the lust of the heart beneath the physical act and follow biblical counsel in order to kill sin and live in purity.
- A total of 69% of all
boys experienced first exposure between the ages of 10 and 14 while, 68% of all
girls faced first exposure from ages 13 and up, and over one-third of those
girls, or 39%, never saw porn until after their 16th birthday.
- Pornography is a
13.3 billion enterprise in North America- Lets put it in context- pornography
makes more money a year than the NFL, NBA, NHL, MLB combined.
- 91% of teens,
Ages 8-16 years old are viewing pornography- most of the time while doing
- 72% of men view pornography and 28% of women.
You didn’t need me to share all those statistics of romantic novels and viewing pornography to know there is a problem.
I simply wanted to point out to you the extent of the war we are in for true purity and intimacy and how important and needed sexual intimacy and purity in marriage is. Our enemy, the devil wants to break a part marriage with this powerful weapon.
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?
Deuteronomy 32:30 says, “One can put 1,000 to flight but two can put 10,000 to flight.”
It’s a multiplying affect. God created desires for intimacy, oneness in marriage, for a multiplying affect. God does not work with addition but multiplication. We multiply not add, that’s why division is so tragic.
LETS LOOK AT HOW TO STRENGTHEN SEXUAL INTIMACY!
“It is more blessed to give than to receive.” (Acts 20:35)
Love is built by giving and receiving in unselfish pleasure. The more we can find how our spouse in pleased, the more satisfied we become.
(Genesis 2:25) “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.”
Both Adam and Eve were naked and were not ashamed. Both Man and Woman have an inherit desire to be known for who they really are. All people want to share his or her life with someone else, knowing fully and being fully known.
Marriage of transparency where husband and wife know each other’s strengths, weaknesses, vulnerabilities, victories, and defeats is one of greatest pleasures. A side-by-side marriage is unsatisfying & self-preserving.
A covenantal, friendship-based, face-to-face marriage is what God intended marriage to be, a covenant between a man and woman, and before God. It’s a fierce struggle but the ultimate reward.
One of God’s purposes for marriage is that a man and a woman come to know each other, which is not temporary but ever growing. It is not merely intellectual, as we normally understand knowledge. Nor is it merely sexual—you can lay sexually with a man or a woman but not truly know them. You can have intimacy without sex and you can have sex without intimacy but as soon as you have sex and intimacy you have lovemaking. You have an explosion!
In a good marriage you sometimes will have sex without intimacy. And other times you will have intimacy and sex together, neither is wrong or right, but ultimately you want to build a legacy of growing together in building a legacy of intimacy.
Knowing your spouse means completely, unreservedly opening up each other’s personalities. It embraces every area—physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual. There is so much to know of the other person that it is also endless searching of each other.
God designed marriage for oneness, sharing, interchanging, bonding, growing, enjoying, all of this equals: relationship. The bible calls this “one flesh”.
The way God created our brains is that we are to grow with our spouse over time. By the time you reach old age, the most comfortable person is your spouse. We have experienced this in only 18 years of marriage.
Christelle and I are beginning to sit the same way, finish each other’s sentences, think the same thoughts and enjoy the same things. Yet we have extremely different personalities. Why, does this happen? Studies show that your brain grows together. “One of the great discoveries of our era: that the brain is constantly rewiring itself based on daily life.”
Here are some helpful things to implement into your marriage for strengthening your sex life:
1. Sex and intimacy is more than the “act” of sex. Its what happens throughout the day. This includes words toward each other, thoughts towards each other, touches that lead to intimacy and lovemaking. I’ve heard it said that sex begins at the breakfast table.
2. Have lots of sex. Regular occasions are so very important. God gave women the gift of sex but God gave men the need for sex. The couple has to figure out what best fits them. I would recommend defaulting on more and not less.
3. Ask each other questions of what pleases the other and do that. Love is built by giving and receiving in unselfish pleasure. The more we can find how our spouse is pleased, the more satisfied we become.
4. Create your bedroom as a place for each other, like a hotel room or a retreat. Not a work place, but an atmosphere that will serve intimacy, friendship and relaxing. This could be candles, music, etc.
5. Date each other regularly. Making this a priority in your schedule and finances. If finances are an issue than be creative.
6. Dress for each other. We are so trained to dress for others outside of the home but when dating each other finishes, we dress less and less for our spouse. Dress for each other in and outside of the bedroom!
7. Please each other. A side-by-side marriage is unsatisfying & self-preserving so find ways to please your spouse. This is much more than what takes place in the bedroom but overall in your lives together.